fresh start...

Well...

somehow i still couldn't sleep..
finish chatting with her abt 4 plus...
try to sleep but couldn't...
so i head out to jog...
reason: to shag myself out and i'm feeling all emo again..
and somehow.. dunno why.. there is this voice telling me to go for a jog...
dun understand how the voice come about... it came deep inside me...
the funnies part is it do reply to my question...
i asked: why should i... i'm feeling lazy and not in the mood...
and the voice juz tell me... you will understand once ya done...

(ok not really are voices that tell me directly lyk what i mention but is the feeling... just lyk some times when you question yourself.. and then after thinkin you gain some enlightment kind of keeling kind of words...)

So...
i went out for a jog...
i tell you.. this jog is really a meaningful one...
it 1st made me stop thinking abt anything... just blank in my head...
then it made my vision clearer...
i saw aunties jogging running...
and thats not the point.. haha
the point is they show me a kind of expression where its shows carefree... joy...
and with the laughers... it made me wonder whether do they have any problems...

Slowly as i jog...
i begin to have flash backs of my secondary school days...
as i felt why last time i so power can run 2.4 abt 10mins...
and now i run 13mins and fail which lead me to 4 more weeks of training in tekong...
so i thought maybe is the lag of trainning and becoz i smoke...
so after getting my answer...
i begin to rmb how happy and carefree i was and how much joy i get from jogging...
then i begin to think i had problems as well during my secondary school day... yet why i'm able to face it optimisticaly and give ppl the impression i'm a happy go lucky guy... maybe i was...
this time i dun get my answer straight...

Then before i get my answer...
another question came and beats me...
why was i able to be so happy and face everything in a positively...
why was i able to be crappy and lame and crack jokes... randomly...
how did i became a joker in my clicks...
how did i became a kai xin gou for my pass 2 years...
why didn't i show my saddness and emotions and stuff to ppl when i have them in the past and how did i do it...
slowly this questions one by one came to me...

So i decided to stop thinking and just jog my lungs out...
and so i go... i saw the stars the lights turning on one by one from the houses...
the alarm from individul house hold that stricks on time one after another...
its funny coz its lyk a standard things happens one after another... and i began to smile and laugh...
now... i got my answer... instanly...
i was able to smile and laugh to the smalllest thing that happen around me...
i'm easily contented... to make myself happy...
i can be happy just by looking a flowers blooming...
and this just reminds me all i desire is xin fu... and just by looking at it make me smile...

so after 30mins of jog...
i decided to stop and juz walk abit to cool down...
as i walk...
i look up to the sky..
suddenly i rmb hearing this from some where...
(look at the sky randomly... when you see the 1st star and its the brightest... pray to it... make a wish... and your wish will come true...)
so... i did...( i know it look dumb... but no one is looking=D haha)

so as i finish my light work out like sit up push up and stuff.. i head to the hut at the middle to smoke and chill...
i begin to think...
how long have i been lyk this all emo and how long haven i been able to crack a joke to my frens other then my dudes...
how long have i been putting up this sad and expressionless face...
and how long have i now been able to smile to her face...( as in a real xin fu and happiness smile)

soon as i about to finish my cig... looks at the light glow brighter... the smoke from the cig flows smooth lyk a rail way track...
i begin to gain some enlightenment...
it somehow slove all my problemsssss...
i used to be a cool headed person where i face my problem slowly steadily...
when i face them... i take it as a challange and face it with a smile...(positive)
i let my mood be the affecting factor for the ppl ard me...(still do) and i choose the best way even if i'm down... which i let it always be a positive way so all of them will smile...

Then... the important part came in...
i realised... i haven been faceing things between me and her positively for very long...(maybe is faith)...
i haven been confident for very long...
i realised i have affect her mood by letting my mood and emotions take over...
and i haven express my love and wen rou properly to her...( from my heart)
i do things for her now is for the seek of doing...
i haven been seeing her good and affection from her...(maybe its too little to notices)
and i felt i'm the worst...
how can i made so much complain when i myself is doing the same as her...
yes my effort are there and my changes is there physically... but the feel is not...
and also there are many expression which can't be discribe by words came out... its more of a self understanding thing...

somehow.. i felt like crying...
but instead i smile...
i felt lighten...
and i felt a unknow force is pushing me forward....(a positive one)

then i look at the same star again...
i tell myself...
things between us can't be reset like a game... to the save or start point..
but i know... i can and i have the ability to change things and make the route back to the one i wanted...
all it takes is to smile and face it positively...
also i realised how things between me and her work is not trust... from the start...
is my optimistic attitude and no fear attitude made it possible... slowly then trust came in...
its my smile... and jokes... my optimistic that made her enjoy being with me...
its my randomness and attitude made me a fun person...
its my heart and my person made me sweet wen rou and lovely...
so from the moment i walk back home... i found my directions...
i no longer lost... i know how to make things better...
all it takes is for me to smile more and be positive to be able to change back...

now... i'm confident to make promises again...
as i make my wish to the stars...
i made my promise to her...( in my heart)

i shall let my magic happen onces more... and make thins right before my time ran out...

Anw.. making wishes to the stars like how i said just now.. do works... maybe abit... but it somehow surprise me abit... wheather is works or not... yet to be told but i shall tell you my answer soon...

well why i say so is becoz when i visited her blog just now...
i saw this small part delicated to me...
she admit to me she haven catch totally of what i told her last night coz she is tired and sleepy...
but somehow she felt... she is in the wrong too and sorry for letting me go throught all this and down...
did the star wishing came true?
i think it does... but like i said abit...(for now)
ok put it this way it does answer to my call...=D

ok... i will face it with a smile and answer to her request and put things the nicest i could when we talk... i'll bring out the real me she once know... and not hiding it again...
i shall fear nothing and trust more... and stop thinkin too much...
and lastly... i shall start on my next step in making progression...
and its to make her fall for me again and make her the happiest princess in the world...
oh and one more thing.. i shall start by making this blog a more positive blog and less emo one=D
though its suppose to be a emo one=(

I love you... and i still do...

Believe in me... so i can prove to you i trust you...

Hold my hands... so i can never let it go...

Stay close to me... so i can hug you forever...

Sit next to me... so i can kiss you on your forehead...

Talk to me... so i can make you smile...

Stream out your problems to me... so i can comfort you...

Beat me... so i won't dare to make you angry...

Bite me... so i won't dare to piss you off again...

Pinch me... so i won't dare to make fun of you...

Be abit more lazy... so i can piggy back you more often...

Sleep beside me... so i can watch you to sleep...

Hold on to me... so i can protect you...

Hear my heart... so i can tell you my little secret...

Touch my heart... so you will know i'm trueful...

Grab my heart... so i will never leave you...(not too hard or i'll die) haha

Finally... you are my treasure and i'll always cherish you... =D

a little poem that i wrote for her...(althought it not very good but they are from the bottom of my heart... rmb too grab it =D...

chaos~~~ =D

bad bad feeling...

Honestly...

I no longer know what to do...
I somehow have a very bad feeling and dunno how to handle...
I felt heartachs can't be avoided...
I hope i'm wrong... (specially this time)
and i hope things will turn out better...

Now that i heard the answer i dun wan to hear the most...
althought i still pick up the courage to ask...
well it might be a half way anwer...(that whats makes ppl think more)
but still having some answer which is not positive is bad enough...

Well like i always said.. i tried and still trying...
i have improve and change and still doing my best...
whats more can i do?
i'm running out of ideas and i'm getting lost again...
maybe i know my directions but i choose to be lost...

if only time god can give me an answer...
or can god grant me my top 2 wishes asap...
althought i haven been a good boy...
but i'm trying to be...
the prayers i made everyday is the same and wishing for only 1 thing...
since the 1st day i made my decision...

Nora wrote a short phrase.. i find it cool and meaningful...
maybe is because of my mood thats why... but still i like it...
she said she wrote for me... but i think she just wrote for fun and just throw it to me...
here it goes:

Did the leaf depart because the wind courted her...
or because the tree didn't ask her to stay?

nice right?

Well time is running out...
emptiness is filling my heart...
saddness had cold my warm heart...
fear had overcome my senses...
blank is all i read...
faith is fading... but...
feeling won't fade...

counting my days to NS now...
i left with 44 days...

Alright... pray for me the one i loves...
believe in me to believe myself...
standing strong for the seek of love....
love me for who i'm...

alright thats all for today..
these are random mixed feeling in my heart now...
althought its abit emo but well i can say i'm fine and feeling better...

chaos...

done...

well back again... =D

nothing much also.. haha

well well oh...
guess what... i got my enlistment letter on friday...
and i'm going in on the 11 june09!!!
sian... its lyk 7 days before my birthday la!!! wah~~~
well i will also miss my cousin's ROM... quite sad=(

Anwsss
on my enlistment lettle...
they say i'm going on for 4 weeks of physical training
and 9 weeks of BMT... becoz i fail my nafa...
that just show how unfit i'm now...
but atleast i got almost all A only standing broad jump got a D and running F...

Well...
on friday...
didn't sleep whole night after work becoz i was reading some manga... (too into it)
then realised its abt 10 liao so i head to bed... but ard 11 my cousin terrance called me up saying he is at my hse there the coffee shop.. and ask me to pei him lim kopi... so i went down and chat with him...
well we chat from 11plus to 2 in the afternoon... had wan ton mee and i start off with one kopi, then 3 teh orh ping and finally ice lemon tea... smoke off more then half pack... was crazy with him man... but we had a good catch up and we called to disturb shawn... haha
then later when i reach home thought is abt time to meet her so text her...
but she didn't reply and i kinda saw her on msn so talk to her.. i also dunno why backside itch...
went to tell her i didn't sleep whole night.. then she tulan and ask me go sleep if not she won't meet me.. she blame me for not sleeping and spoil her mood to date... wtf!!!
well so i be a good boy and try to sleep.. but with all the teas i drink earlier on.. how to sleep...
so i roll on bed for 2 hours and text her again...
now.. she dun believe i go to bed sia... say if i sleep i won't wake up le so dun bluff her.. but the thing is i did try and i dun understand why all my words seems to be a lie to her... really i begin to ask myself did i lie to her alot?
then went to meet her later at 9 at hougang chill with her and her frens then went to meet my guys... somehow she seem to be in bad mood and keep saying she is tired...
ask her keep saying is nothing and really tired... but went i call her went she is walking back home...(just to accompany her and make her feel safe while walking back) the way she talk to me is sooo... i can only say fuck up... somehow rude... can't rmb how it goes but i only rmb i ren and let it go... didn't want to pick a fight or so either...
then after she bath... some guy called her... trick her by using private no... well somehow... i'm kinda ok leh... haha

then sat... went to work.. before that drop by her work place at liang court...
wanted to pass her the note.. but she is too busy with her customer.. so i waited for abt an hour... and finally got no time le so i head to work... althought its lyk wasting time.. but bo bian de ma.. she busy so can't blame her... and i understand so well can't help it...
work that day was crazy... sales is 23k.. and i'm lyk almost dying.. i heard friday's sale is 29k... more jialat...

then today..
woke up at 6pm... was super tiring la!!!
then woke up to do some hse work lyk doing the clothes, mop the floor(sis sweep) and do some grocery... then meet my guys play some pool and mahjong... well somehow today she is in rather bad mood... text her when i wake up didn't reply... tell her i heading to meet my guys called and didn't feel lyk talking to me... ask her if she is busy for the day.. still tell me no... obviously she juz doesn't want to talk to me... finish work won't tell me anymore... reach home dun bother too.. only free le.. after jogging le then tell me... was pretty up sad... then i told her i was at alex hse.. she told me no need to tell her... keep sayin i'm busy... then i tell her i leaving at 1 plus... was hold up by the tv abit.. and by the time senting the gals back i reach home ard 2... but ed decided to chill and chat more with me so he came to my place... this time she is somehow more piss... tell me no need to contact her... say things lyk wont entertain me... and stuff.. ya what she ment was to stop the conversation coz she want to sleep.. but used entertain me lyk really wtf!!! it really let me feel fuck up coz at 1st in the day dun want to talk to me... then now tell me she is entertaining me.. so now its lyk a entertaining thing la... the way she put it with the timing is bad and she blame me for having wrong thoughts...
then she is the one doesn't want to talk reply text and she blame me for not texting her...
say when i was with my guys i totally forget abt her and only text her when i'm free or working...
since when sia.. i got text her regularlly de leh... my totall sms hit 1200 plus lor even i got 1000 free also not enough... well more then 3/4 is texting her lor.. be it she got reply all or not... she is the one doing selective replies and me juz keep getting the ball rolling... and report... i admit at time i forget to report... only once in awhile.. but for her... at times i dun text and ask.. she won't bother to say... juz lyk today.. even if on the phone call.. can't tell me 1st iszi?
i somehow felt very lost today... did my stuff didn't get the respond thought she is not in the mood or busy or piss over sth... in the end i was told i didn't do what i'm suppose to do properly...
when i told her the way she say things can be hurting.. lyk tell me no need to tell her my where abt or no need to contact her... she tu me say thought i forgot how to feel hurt le (in other words immune)...
well yes i was once immune.. but i realised its not good for us and its a sigh i began to fuck care...
so i decided to put in more effort track back my goods correct my bad.. juz for her.. and as a sigh i began to care more and rmb how hurting the feeling can be...
she doesn't see my effort.. my goods anymore...
all is my bads... and unchanged...
well its sad... feel lyk crying but lyk always tears won't roll...
but nvm... i'll still hold on... i'll keep trying and improveing till she sees all...(hopefully before i go flat) all because... i love her too much... way more then anything else... even myself...

btw next friday is my last day at work.. gonna rest and spent more time with her and my guys...
my work co. wants to give me a farewell party and shall arrange again...
oh and my mum took my credit card away untill i complete 1st or 1st 2 mth in army.. coz she scare i spent without having income for the months and she dun want to end up paying for me...
well thats all... still feeling down and sad...
but well will somehow try to recover asap...
chaos

updatessss

Well.. haven been blogging for a few days...
thats kinda means my days are pretty good... not awesome=D
well lets start with monday=D
hmmm its kind of a boring day for me...
when to school in the morning to grab some invitation card... coz i have more then expected guest who will be attending...
(reall hope she can make it.. althought she got work and work comes 1st)
anw my graduation day is on may 13th a wednesday.. from 4 to 5.30 =D
well after heading to school head home to rest abit coz i felt very tired...
then in the evenin went to meet her awhile like my usual... but this time round a only see her abt 20mins coz i over slept and couldn't stay for long...( atleast i have the heart to make it right?)
then comes to work.. its kind of a boring day... not much ppl as expected on a monday night... and fuck up things is for no good reason we got to stay for another 30min.. cb no business also extend becoz i'm the only p/timer there and only need to pay 7 buck more for an hour nb!!! finally told nora that i'm leaving and felt quite bad... and abit sher bu de...

OK Tuesday...
nothing much as well.. slept till who knows when again coz i'm really really tired... and somehow felt abit unwell... hmmm woke up walk my dog.. and a little catch up with some frens on msn...
well later at night ard 9 plus.. went to meet her for a drink.. had a casual chat with her.. she somehow finally found out this blog... damn... how to stream out many many dark secrets now?
somehow i hope she see this as a place where she can know how i feel at point of times and where i try to hold it keep it or lyk what army boys lyk to say... SUCK IT UP!!! over certain things haha...
well as i said... the best way to avoid a quarrel is to ren... and not get mad over things... for me will do so... for her i dun need her to and she won't.. but point to point at times just be more patients with me will really be appreciated=D
after that walk her to the bus stop to catch last bus.. really got no more money for the month to let her cab back... well its logical as, if i drag her time i should fund her for going home isn't it? so ya and since i pocket tight... i sld not hold her longer thought i really wish to spent more time with her... hug her more=D
then later when she is home.. me too... had a chat and kick her off to bed at 3 as she got work=D

Wednesday(today)
OMG!!! i feel super guility as i couldn't drop her i morning call today... as i over slept till 2 and i was lyk totally stone!!! fuck... again dunno why my sleeping habits got so bad and the amt of sleep i need is longer then before... last time i only need 2 to 4 hours i can tahan and if i got atleast 2 hours of nap or sleep i can hear any calls any sms and also my alarm... but now my body and ears seem to immune to the alarm... fuck!!!
then later in the evening meet up with my ex cedele co. with ed and alex tag along=D we went to have a game of basketballl... its been very long since i played and its super tiring... but all and all i'm feelin good and i injuried my right thumb as ed accidentlly hit it while trying to block me...(no big deal but kinda pain...)
then went to pick peini up and head to chomp chomp parta shop to makan...
i ate 1 and 1/2 maggi goreng and share mutton soup with ed... damn full sia...
well i was quite pissed a couple of times today...
1st was by her...
well i was lyk on the way going to meet her at power hse le... then she suddenlt text me say it ok if i dun feel lyk going i can dun go... she is fine... but its really wtf lor... i'm on the way le..
lyk i said it really gives me the feeling she doesn't want me to go... if thats the case she sld have told me when i agree and promise to go with her... before i bath... but well since she tell me nicely ask me to go in the end... i felt better and didn't let it affect me... but i was quite pissed even till i reach habourfront... i smoke 2 sticks while walkin to power hse la... ( normally i smoke more when i'm piss sad worry or feeling fuck up) i was lyk ok ok dun piss le later if see her and i give black face sure quarrel and spoil the day... but you know... piss is piss ma so i stress liao dunno how to face her... but you know at times i think i worry too much... coz after worrying so much.. i then rmb... seeing her face is good enough for me to claim down... and i smiled upon seeing her( eh at time when i want to scold her or lecture her.. seeing her face i really ma bu sai qu lor... i'll xin run and talk nicely...)
well another incident was in the club where there is this guy offer her a drink... she took it sia i was lyk NBCB!!! but didn't say much or what... doreen saw the change in my face... she told me to chill and i try all ways to hide it... how it goes was the guy juz pull her over and offer.. at that point of time... i really want to rush up and punch that mother fucker in the face and make sure his teeth broken.. take note is broken not drop... but i think abt it... nvm there is nothing much i can do too so juz fuck it... then after grabbin a drink i was at my boilling point le i went out to smoke and she with her frens followed as well.. ok was kinda getting better de but suddenly that mother fucker came out to smoke and talk to her... cb.. i was lyk ok talk talk talk somemore.. in my heart la... then what make me supper boilling is he started to xian her ask for number... wah i really cb cannot take it le... i took out my 2 drink tix get ready to scream at him say: HEY FUCK FACE... GET THIS 2 TIX AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I START TO BREAK YOUR TEETH ONE BY ONE!!!
but i think abt it... nvm i sld trust her.. and at the same time see how she handle... and i kept them and juz light another stick... i spent the 1 cig time coolin my emotions down... and later head in to dance again... well i guess she catch me pretty well knew something is wrong so she ask me if i'm ok and stuff...(maybe its still written on my face) but well i really want to show her how much i trust her and so i put on my smile again... but honestly i must say this... its can't help it to get piss de ma... if you care you will... but the best i can to is to not burst and do things the cool way and again trust... after thinkin abit more i felt well this kind of stuff can't help it de ma... falling for someone who is so beautiful and attractive and love to club... and i muz be able to take it and reallybelieve in her... this is back to basic where i now rmb how the fuck i can tahan last time... well i think i muz train not only my patients and claimness and also my xin xiong... i realise i become more xiao qi in some ways and its not really me...
all and all after realising more things today i felt kinda better.. over all i enjoy my night thanks to doreen jody* and most importantly her...
i felt this trip not only let me enjoy but also slowly bring me back to who i'm=D
i felt more confident in bring back the best me the one that she use to fall for... and present to her forever and ever and ever...
also the best part for the day is... WE NEVER QUARREL AND WE BOTH ENOJY OUR TIME=D
shall continue to trace back my old foot steps and improve myself not only for me but for her too=D
oh and i juz realised i left the note i wrote this afternoon and in total i muz pass her 3 note tml...
ok i shall set a reminder and finally i'm stoppin here.. its getting naggy even myself lazy to check..
chaos.... shall blog again soon =D

a sweet and lovely night=D

Well nothing much today...
no quarrels.. (happy)
more or happy talking and sweet moments...
woke up in the evening... went to buy cig and then walk my dog and bath him=D
then head down to AMK to get her, her favorite cheese sausages...
then head down to j8 find her...
well she seems pretty busy... so didn't disturb her...
and also need to meet my guys at S11 so i place the sausages on the table for her and went to toilet... she thought i angry or what sia...
then i explain becoz i need to go to the loo and need to meet them so i juz place it on the tale since she not free to attend to me.. haha
then she and kerlyn came to s11 and find me... waited awhile and then back to close shop...
by then... cs jt and ed reach le... so we had a smoke and chat abit while waiting for alex to arrive and eat tgt..
then later while eating she came back to join us while her fren went off...
and guess what!!! pam came too.. so surprise... haha

after that we went to alex hse...
well not long after reachin she told me she wanted to bite some stuff so we walk to lor chun 7-11 to grab some popcorn and stuff.. then walk back to alex hse the park there to chill...
had some chat... hug her abit.. help her squeeze the black head and stuff... and she ate her stuff there... after awhile felt that we are feedin mosquito.. we head back to alex hse... suddenly felt tired so she sleep while i juz play alittle mahjong...
then ard 2 she said she wanna go back... so i sent her back and then becoz i forget my phone so i head back alex place... had alittle more mahjong and then went off..
becoz ed need to wait for peini's call to pick her up after drinkin so we head to my place to grab a drink and chat...
well he left ard 6 to pick her up.. haha heard she is piss drunk...

overall i kinda love today... felt the sweet moments and happy moment is building up slowly again... hmmm of coz i wish there are more hug and kisses but after all i understand we are drifting more and more apart.. so it ok.. let us slowly build the happiness we wanted again and when ya comfortable then maintain how we used to kiss and hug=D
i ca say its a sweet and simple night.. can be better as time goes and lets hope we dun argue anymore and build this kind of days tgt..
i'll wait till the day we can get official...
i love you and i won't let anything any excuse to let you go again...
i'll cherish you and nv take you for granted any anymore...
love you and muacks my sweetyheart=D

another quarrel...

Well..

stupidly... we end up quarrelling again...

for what? for i dun wish to quarrel and avoiding quarrel...

well today was sort of in a bad mood...

for what?

for some fuck up people who only know how to make ppl's life difficult...

well plan to go on a date with her de...

but end up she went back to meet her frens...

i understand its not nice to make her wait so i nv make noise even if she rather go back and meet them but instead tell me to join them...

honestly if i'm in a good mood... i dun mind... cox i can be socialble.. but when comes to me in a foul mood no please... i very scare she will be piss with me showing black face...

so what if she say its ok she will understand... she doesn't know she dun mean what she say... so long as she did try to hoax me... i MUST be ok and cannot give black face be it successful or not... so knowing that and can't tell her straight at her face i choose to avoid and even tell her honestly...

but she kept thinking i'm finding excuses just becox i dun want to go down and join her or mix with her frens... i dunno why... she always dun believe what i say even if its the truth... and she got piss for me tellin the truth.. wtf!!!

its just lyk how russell peter say about women... guys normally with them they dun lie... but when they ask us things and so long as the answer is not what they want or desired... they will think we are lying... they will only believe in the things they want to hear and that is where we guy 1st lied to them...

i tried to talk to her very nicely dispite me is in a foul mood...

its lyk she nv understand or care for how i feel... still pick a fight with me... find sth to quarrel and in the end make me piss and start talkin in a not nice way...

honestly i feel very sad and fuck up just now as one side i trying to cool myself down and the other side she picks a fight and she still can tell me so long as she is piss or unhappy.. she will pick a fight... wtf!!! why cannot settle it nicely and trust me more? can't you see how much effort i try to make things work out here? omg!!!

then she started tellin me i being fuck up by askin her to meet me at clark quey... well honestly if i'm the one who is more free and can leave earlier i dun mind pickin her up.. but now she is more free... can't she wait? its not lyk i dun understand anything.. i think for her.. if from bishan she were to go town and wait for me to finish work will she wait for a long time? yes.. it will but if she travel down and to cq... by then i'm almost done with work and she dun have to wait so long... if she wants to meet her sisters... can i dun mind picking her up as well but stay there... is the same as pickin a fight...

i feel very fuck up in a way is she keep telling me the heart thing... she keep saying i got not heart for her she has alot.. she say she wanted to come find me even if it means to ps her frens.. guess what she told me.. it ok they understand and because she got the heart... nbcb!!! what she trying to say? i got no heart for her? keep sayin if i got the heart to go find her... i will travel down to meet her even my mood is bad... wtf!!! if i got no heart.. i fucking won't even think of avoiding the quarrel and dun even care if we will quarrel or not.. just because i care and really want things between to get better thats why i choose to do so... fuck everytime is the heart... last time last and stuff or when i pissed i dun fucking care of doing anything for her.. she complain i accept.. i take it and change for a better for her.. but this time.. is not i piss then dun go down leh... i also not piss with her... i just want to avoid trouble and fights and stuff...

she tu me say why i assume and predict? cox i fucking kana trick by her many time!!! say its ok she will understand and stuff in the end once she try to hoax me i mux recover de even if it doesn't work and if not when i still unhappy she will be unhappy and pick a fight with me... everytime one... and when i tell her she cannot accept the fact and tu lan... again WTF!!!

then i very piss abt sth is she tell me she wants to come straight to see me but she leaving at 2... becoz she got work.. but is already 1 so abit no point right might as well save the money for dates and stuff.. but then half way quarrelling she tell me she want to go drink... with guys somemore... a group of them... really i got so pissed... again with group of guys... dun she understand i'll worry what happen if they do something to her... then nvm she say she will leave at 2 plus... cb you one plus go meet fren travel down nearly 2 then you drink 30mins then go ah? she will do that meh? she will bei paisei de meh? she scare paisei so much to the point she won't do so de lor... cb if she got go and really leave by 2 plus i cut off my dick for her...

in the end she choose not to go...

then another thing come.. she hung up my call and when to chat with that guy... nice we ar half way setteling stuff you go do such stuff... how will you feel if any of you all were to be in my shoes? say call me back in the end? got call back? i fucking hell waited for her damn call in the end when i text her she tell me jux finish chatting with that guy and went to do taebo...

in the end i told her how she make me feel insecure scare and uncomfortable with other guys getting near her... she say i got no self confidents... but honestly will you have or will you lost if she keep making you feel other guys are better more worthy and stuff?

honestly i dun mind her have guy frens and stuff even going out with them and stuff... but however please let me feel save who ar they.. if i dun know them tell me alittle more abt them detail so i can feel safe... its not lyk i want to tie her down or control her... but its just the way she do things and dun make people feel good feel safe and worst piss and unhappy...

i'm so fuckin down now...

maybe i'll learn to let things be .. what she want to do just do... how fuck up she make me feel just fuck it... no point getting work up or pissed... if she break my trust.. then i got no choice but to leave... if she feel i bo chap i'm protectin myself from getting hurt further... seriously i dunno if i can do so or not.. coz i dun bear to see her get hurt more then me... and honestly she can be the one to make our life different by being more understanding and less unreasonable... she can be the one to make us both happy...

i'm trying my best to change... but it seems she nv try to suppore me... only know how to pick a fight if not make me feel bad or piss or unhappy... when she push the blame to me i can only take it and change...

i dunno what else more can i do...

i really hope she dun see this coz she will think negatively...

if she see and can understand how i feel and work hand in hand with me i dun mind...

but if she sees and want to let things between us go then why for showing to her?

i loved her and still do.. but my heart achs more now...

i wrote the note for her.. didn't get to give her ytd.. well shall give her both later when i see her...

well felt better after writing.. i hope and really pray hard that we won't quarrel anymore... i hope she understand why i feel uneasy with the guys she mixed.. not that i hate them or dislike.. but is the way she put it to me hide it from me an make me hate them to the max...

signing out now...

bye blog... shall write again...

plans...

Well yesterday was not bad=D
when down to look for her at IMM..
actually wanted to eat.. but when i see her not eatin anything was kinda sad and somehow it affected my wei kou...
we end up siting at the smoking coner for lyk 1 hour plus smoking my lungs out...
somehow i'm still not doing very well... couldn't hide my uneasiness and unhappiness...
she told me she might be going out with aaron later... the moment i heard this... the instant bu shuang and uneasy effect came to me... but i know i need to ren and be more da fang...
of all things the one i most uncomfortable is her going to visit danny... she didn't say she will or not... but somehow i juz told her to go unnatually...
somehow... i felt yeah why not juz trust her once more... if she is mine she is... she is not the what should i do? cry and cry or kill myself or cruse the world? no way... but of coz i need to put in more effort la...
well i have been thinking how to be nice and sweet to her... and besides bring her out more going on a date more... and besides being more patience and not scoldin her and stuff... i decide to write her a note of how my hearts feel towards her every single day...
if i dun see her... i'll still write and hold it... then when i see her i'll pass it all to her... i'll try to buy her i big container... for her to keep all the notes..
well still trying to tiao zheng my heart... some how i think i became less da fang more xiao qi and more afraid she is leaving... i dun know why i became lyk this.. maybe its becoz of all the nonsence that happen in the pass... but well lets look forward for a better life and i'll pray hard so my wish my love will come true....

chao=D

Emotions that cannot be voiced out...

well haven been blogging for very very long.. cleared some of my old post... and decided to start off with pinkish/purple text colour so lighten my mood.. haha

well recently..

have been quarreling alot with her... mostly over stupid stuff...

at 1st i dunno why... but after a chat with her or more lyk a talk thing out session... i realise what she say i right.. i no long know how to be nice to her (wen rou) getting more and more impatients with her... another thing is because my temper and mood have been very bad... althought i never venge it on her but somehow it does affect...

After talking to mimi...

she told me is because i'm very sick of being the mr nice guy...

not because i'm faking but i'm just sick of always getting climb over my head most of the time... after all its been 9 mth or going to...

but somehow my feeling still strong and i just can't find out what is holding me back to let go of her... after thinking so much the only answer i get althought is still not satisfacting enough... and the answer is the simple yet meaningful word L.O.V.E...

so ever since the talking session at beer belly...

i try my best to be patience and try to adjust my claimness and stuff... it work out pretty fine and we didn't quarrel for the one whole week... but soon we started a quarrel on monday...

well my issue is about trust... and i must say because i care and i mind... so i got pissed... well should you keep or hide something from me? thats my point... if its personal juz say it in a way like i dun want to share as its personal... or not comfortable in sharing... why must is be nothing much nothing important or just avoid? dun you think its suspicious? even thought its really nothing? if its nothing the more why can't you say?

what pisses me more the after knowing the fact that what is hidden is not something important... honestly i begin to lost trust from her... be it what she do i always trusted her alot.. be it how fuck up or how unesay i feel... but not this time and ever since she when drinkin with random guys and try to play MIAing...

at times i felt very up sad over the things she do...

coz she never consider my feelings...

the things she say... the way she behave... the way she being unreasonable...

i always related back to her what if i do back to her... how will she feel...

the answer is she will react back the same as me...

yes certain things i should be more patience and shouldn't get angry with her... since i'm still consider wooing her... but at time its hard especially when we are so comfortable with each other and the things we do we go through...

the worst thing is i cannot do back all the stuff to her and even if i can do i can't bear to let her go through all this fuck up feelings...

well to guys...

if lets say your gf or the girl you like... always got targeted by other guys going to them trying to get their number and knowing her frens will act fuck up-ly by giving away her number without her agreement... how will you feel...

and when ever she goes to club she dress in a way that no guys will nv notices or will nv target or like?

worst if random guys offer her drinks and she just accept it... and go for countless shots... how will you feel...

should you feel up sad? should you still feel piss? should you be angry? should you be scare? will you be worried? will you flare up? will you give up? how are you going to react to this fuck up-ness... honestly this is what it is in my mind.... when she told me all this...

is she trying to be honest with me? is she trying to see how i react... does she even bother how i feel? if she do why did she still do all this? is she tryin to prove something to me... i know its stupid... by yes i did consider all this to make me feel better and make her look nicer...

well i begin to loss track of how should i react... i keep telling myself i should stay claim be patience and believe in her... but when you are in my shoes... can you do so.. i tried... it worked on the surface.. but deep in me i'm bleeding... only my best buddies knows.. but somehow i disappoint them too much regardin this... and the only thing they could do is to make me feel better... keep me off this thing and talk to me and talk things into my head...

i felt now... she changed... not the old her i know... i no longer hold a place in her... not even a little small bit... i felt she want me for the pei ban... knowing i'll not leave... ever since long ago... i know i'm don't play a very important part of her life... i'm just another guy... maybe slightly better then the rest...

knowing this... i still stay by her side... trying my very best to be what she wanted... or in a way change back to who i really am or used to be... the reasons are simple.. i love her and still do... and deep inside me... i do hope she still sees me and willing to accept me...

i began to change my living habits to make up for the things i no longer do for her...

-try to give her morning calls by sleepin earlier... even if i dun i'll stay up till i woke her up before i go to sleep.. and i'll never let her know i stay up just for her... i dun need her to know...

-try to wake up earlier and finish my stuff.. so i could see her before i go to work and accompany her be it where she will be at...

-find ways for me to tiao zhen my heart to be more claim and patience... so i could be a better me to be nicer to her...

-try to stay up and wait for her so i could talk to her and keep her accompany if she is out late or with her frens...

-try to minger more with her frens whenever i got the chance...

but somehow... i began to feel i lost the support from even her frens...

maybe the problem lies in me...

maybe i'm the one being fuck up...

be it what is it... i trying my best to live up to what she want...

never had i rest ever since i last promised her i will not be slack on her or things regarding her or the way i treat her...

at times i felt i really dun want to talk to her.. because... in a way.. i can no longer defend myself be it i'm right or wrong... sometimes is because the things she told me make me up sad or piss and on my side i still got to ren and not blow up... also its because she no longer interested in my stuff my surrounding and also... my life...

all she care is how i need to fit into her life but not how we can fit into each other's life...

at times i wondering what happen if i disappear from her life... will it affect her? yes? no?

if no then maybe sometime when i reaches my limit... i should go... if yes... how? many times i know this answer well.. but i dun have the courage to do so... cause i keep lying to myself saying you will hurt her so much if you do so...

i'm very lost now... the only thing that is clear in me is i really really love her and i want her badly...

-be it she treats me like nothing... or someone not important...

-be it i dun hold any role or position in her heart..

-be it she nv consider me as her guy...

-be it how it would turn out...

i just want to love her... thats all...

maybe what i think is not right.... but she never express to me to be obvious to me... at time when a person wants to be love... they want it simple and direct... best they are told after seeing how the other expressed...

she doesn't understand how my heart works or how my heart beats for her... she doesn't understand how i think... she no long being on the same frequency with me... althought the fact is... i'm actually as simple as abc... is it she doesn't bother anymore like how i feel why i reacted this way and why will i be pissed...

well be it what ways... all i have in mind now is to be what she told me...(not like i'm not being myself and be a puppet of what she wanted) but try to turn back to how i was... i dunno if its right or wrong... but i know thats the best i can do to show my love and love her more... i dunno how the out come will turn out... i dunno will i get what i desired... but i'll still love her the way she want it and don't pin hopes on anything...

i know its dumb... really really dumb... i do have the logic mind... i do have the logic thinking but i no longer have the logic emotions the logic body language and most importantly the logically mind-set...

just want to say out over here... since i know no one will read...(well i nv try to promote it anw)

ok got to wake her up in 1 hour time and shall blog again...

sorry for making it a emo one this time but the main reason i blog is to stream out my feelings...

chao...