fresh start...

Well...

somehow i still couldn't sleep..
finish chatting with her abt 4 plus...
try to sleep but couldn't...
so i head out to jog...
reason: to shag myself out and i'm feeling all emo again..
and somehow.. dunno why.. there is this voice telling me to go for a jog...
dun understand how the voice come about... it came deep inside me...
the funnies part is it do reply to my question...
i asked: why should i... i'm feeling lazy and not in the mood...
and the voice juz tell me... you will understand once ya done...

(ok not really are voices that tell me directly lyk what i mention but is the feeling... just lyk some times when you question yourself.. and then after thinkin you gain some enlightment kind of keeling kind of words...)

So...
i went out for a jog...
i tell you.. this jog is really a meaningful one...
it 1st made me stop thinking abt anything... just blank in my head...
then it made my vision clearer...
i saw aunties jogging running...
and thats not the point.. haha
the point is they show me a kind of expression where its shows carefree... joy...
and with the laughers... it made me wonder whether do they have any problems...

Slowly as i jog...
i begin to have flash backs of my secondary school days...
as i felt why last time i so power can run 2.4 abt 10mins...
and now i run 13mins and fail which lead me to 4 more weeks of training in tekong...
so i thought maybe is the lag of trainning and becoz i smoke...
so after getting my answer...
i begin to rmb how happy and carefree i was and how much joy i get from jogging...
then i begin to think i had problems as well during my secondary school day... yet why i'm able to face it optimisticaly and give ppl the impression i'm a happy go lucky guy... maybe i was...
this time i dun get my answer straight...

Then before i get my answer...
another question came and beats me...
why was i able to be so happy and face everything in a positively...
why was i able to be crappy and lame and crack jokes... randomly...
how did i became a joker in my clicks...
how did i became a kai xin gou for my pass 2 years...
why didn't i show my saddness and emotions and stuff to ppl when i have them in the past and how did i do it...
slowly this questions one by one came to me...

So i decided to stop thinking and just jog my lungs out...
and so i go... i saw the stars the lights turning on one by one from the houses...
the alarm from individul house hold that stricks on time one after another...
its funny coz its lyk a standard things happens one after another... and i began to smile and laugh...
now... i got my answer... instanly...
i was able to smile and laugh to the smalllest thing that happen around me...
i'm easily contented... to make myself happy...
i can be happy just by looking a flowers blooming...
and this just reminds me all i desire is xin fu... and just by looking at it make me smile...

so after 30mins of jog...
i decided to stop and juz walk abit to cool down...
as i walk...
i look up to the sky..
suddenly i rmb hearing this from some where...
(look at the sky randomly... when you see the 1st star and its the brightest... pray to it... make a wish... and your wish will come true...)
so... i did...( i know it look dumb... but no one is looking=D haha)

so as i finish my light work out like sit up push up and stuff.. i head to the hut at the middle to smoke and chill...
i begin to think...
how long have i been lyk this all emo and how long haven i been able to crack a joke to my frens other then my dudes...
how long have i been putting up this sad and expressionless face...
and how long have i now been able to smile to her face...( as in a real xin fu and happiness smile)

soon as i about to finish my cig... looks at the light glow brighter... the smoke from the cig flows smooth lyk a rail way track...
i begin to gain some enlightenment...
it somehow slove all my problemsssss...
i used to be a cool headed person where i face my problem slowly steadily...
when i face them... i take it as a challange and face it with a smile...(positive)
i let my mood be the affecting factor for the ppl ard me...(still do) and i choose the best way even if i'm down... which i let it always be a positive way so all of them will smile...

Then... the important part came in...
i realised... i haven been faceing things between me and her positively for very long...(maybe is faith)...
i haven been confident for very long...
i realised i have affect her mood by letting my mood and emotions take over...
and i haven express my love and wen rou properly to her...( from my heart)
i do things for her now is for the seek of doing...
i haven been seeing her good and affection from her...(maybe its too little to notices)
and i felt i'm the worst...
how can i made so much complain when i myself is doing the same as her...
yes my effort are there and my changes is there physically... but the feel is not...
and also there are many expression which can't be discribe by words came out... its more of a self understanding thing...

somehow.. i felt like crying...
but instead i smile...
i felt lighten...
and i felt a unknow force is pushing me forward....(a positive one)

then i look at the same star again...
i tell myself...
things between us can't be reset like a game... to the save or start point..
but i know... i can and i have the ability to change things and make the route back to the one i wanted...
all it takes is to smile and face it positively...
also i realised how things between me and her work is not trust... from the start...
is my optimistic attitude and no fear attitude made it possible... slowly then trust came in...
its my smile... and jokes... my optimistic that made her enjoy being with me...
its my randomness and attitude made me a fun person...
its my heart and my person made me sweet wen rou and lovely...
so from the moment i walk back home... i found my directions...
i no longer lost... i know how to make things better...
all it takes is for me to smile more and be positive to be able to change back...

now... i'm confident to make promises again...
as i make my wish to the stars...
i made my promise to her...( in my heart)

i shall let my magic happen onces more... and make thins right before my time ran out...

Anw.. making wishes to the stars like how i said just now.. do works... maybe abit... but it somehow surprise me abit... wheather is works or not... yet to be told but i shall tell you my answer soon...

well why i say so is becoz when i visited her blog just now...
i saw this small part delicated to me...
she admit to me she haven catch totally of what i told her last night coz she is tired and sleepy...
but somehow she felt... she is in the wrong too and sorry for letting me go throught all this and down...
did the star wishing came true?
i think it does... but like i said abit...(for now)
ok put it this way it does answer to my call...=D

ok... i will face it with a smile and answer to her request and put things the nicest i could when we talk... i'll bring out the real me she once know... and not hiding it again...
i shall fear nothing and trust more... and stop thinkin too much...
and lastly... i shall start on my next step in making progression...
and its to make her fall for me again and make her the happiest princess in the world...
oh and one more thing.. i shall start by making this blog a more positive blog and less emo one=D
though its suppose to be a emo one=(

I love you... and i still do...

Believe in me... so i can prove to you i trust you...

Hold my hands... so i can never let it go...

Stay close to me... so i can hug you forever...

Sit next to me... so i can kiss you on your forehead...

Talk to me... so i can make you smile...

Stream out your problems to me... so i can comfort you...

Beat me... so i won't dare to make you angry...

Bite me... so i won't dare to piss you off again...

Pinch me... so i won't dare to make fun of you...

Be abit more lazy... so i can piggy back you more often...

Sleep beside me... so i can watch you to sleep...

Hold on to me... so i can protect you...

Hear my heart... so i can tell you my little secret...

Touch my heart... so you will know i'm trueful...

Grab my heart... so i will never leave you...(not too hard or i'll die) haha

Finally... you are my treasure and i'll always cherish you... =D

a little poem that i wrote for her...(althought it not very good but they are from the bottom of my heart... rmb too grab it =D...

chaos~~~ =D