Tell me... PLease...

Feelin all lost now...
didn't know what to do....
this is the 1st time in my life i had felt so lost for so long....
where went wrong?
being more giving, trying to avoid arguements, makes her feel i'm less concernin and in someways it irritate her... again fan gan...

i felt so up tight.... lyk whenever i give my best... its not being appreciated... but nv its ok... but but when i slack off just abit... the trouble comes and all my effort previously wasn't account for...

worst still...
when i ask her to tell me where went wrong... she couldn't tell me at all...
tell her to let me know once the problem occur... she will only just say she is not like this she won't do so...
well isn't it there is no compromise between us anymore?
only i do i do and i do... and she no need to do even a single bit and when problem occur... even if its her problem i gotta find out for her and best there is no clues for me to start the search...

Honestly...
i felt sooo small... no respect given...
everything i say is wrong....
and no one is there to care for my feelings...

she always blame it on me when i tell her sth... like the wrongs of her...
saying if i didn't behave this way.. she won't...
but the funniest thing is she cannot tell what i do to make her become this way...
at time i felt is her fuck up pride that force her to lie to me to make her look better and make me look worst...
Why? let me explain...

Nowadays when she talk to me...
she either talk in a very rude manner or she get very impatience....
out of no where like to voice up at me... and she dun feel she is wrong...
when she is in a wrong or when she hurt ppl with her words... she won't apologise...
she say things that nv consider how will i feel and when i'm piss she would say i did i get work up over a small sentence...
well try this... if you trying to comfort someone... be it you understand them or you trying to understand.. giving all you effort and might... in the end that someone just tell you off by "AH YOU WILL NEVER UDERSTAND HOW I FEEL" now... how would you feel? tell me...

somehow i feel very sad...
becoz she always hold hard feeling toward mavis...
honestly there is nothing between us and we are just very good fren's...
moreover she is attach and i'm the one who encourage her to go with her guy...
up till now... i cannot mention mavis in front of her... whenever i do so... trouble will come...(unreasonable ones)
i like the way she feel "jealous" or what so ever... feeling... but dun venge it out all on me unreasonablely...
whenever she hang our with her guy frens or people i dun feel comfortable.. did i give her shit hell of attitude? nowaday did i even show her i'm unhappy?
worst there are many things she won't tell me...
even if its nothing much sth small... she won't say...
she have been very secretive and honestly i dun really like it...

teach me how to handle my heart...
i got to please her...
and yet i got to keep all my sorrows...
i got to be nice to her...(very)
yet i won't get nice treatment...
i got to apologise to her...
yet i won't receive any...

worst of all...
she started to threaten me with things like i got somebody else in mind already right?
(especially) whenever we talk abt mavis...
she will say thing s like if i'm tired i can go anytime...
tell me all this things she went throught doesn't affect her no effect and it doesn't matter...(best when i did nothing)
her words are very spikey and very suan... very hurting and sarcastic...

honestly i felt its not i'm the one who change...
ever since i change back... i see things more clearer.. just that i gave in...
she changed.. alot...
she no longer the one i once know...
no longer wen rou...
no longer the understanding one...
no longer the sweet little pie i know...
no longer the problem solveing(more like creating problems)
no longer careing...
no longer concerning....
no longer bothers...
when i told her so....
she tells me this is who she is... does that mean she have been hiding herself true colours all this time? or she just cannot accept the change in her or won't dare to admit?
Pride again? what a fuck up pride she have...
how much does a once's pride worth?

well i dunno how long i can handle this...
i keep convincing myself its my fault my problem...
but as times goes i no longer can lie to myself...
i dun even know lie to myself is the right choice or not...
she doesn't understand me or even try to understand me...
indeed i'm tired...
but wont' let go for now... since i still have some skills up in my sleeves i'll just try to use up all and see how it goes...

i love her..
but she doesn't love me anymore....
thats the key to why this is happening...
i really miss her... not the current her...
but the old her i used to know...
i'll try my best to hong her tonight... and see how it goes...
maybe i sld let the tears in my heart dry up 1st before i try anything...
i need to settle my heart before i give another try...

alright signing off soon feeling better...
and maybe soon i will give my answer....