Emotions that cannot be voiced out...

well haven been blogging for very very long.. cleared some of my old post... and decided to start off with pinkish/purple text colour so lighten my mood.. haha

well recently..

have been quarreling alot with her... mostly over stupid stuff...

at 1st i dunno why... but after a chat with her or more lyk a talk thing out session... i realise what she say i right.. i no long know how to be nice to her (wen rou) getting more and more impatients with her... another thing is because my temper and mood have been very bad... althought i never venge it on her but somehow it does affect...

After talking to mimi...

she told me is because i'm very sick of being the mr nice guy...

not because i'm faking but i'm just sick of always getting climb over my head most of the time... after all its been 9 mth or going to...

but somehow my feeling still strong and i just can't find out what is holding me back to let go of her... after thinking so much the only answer i get althought is still not satisfacting enough... and the answer is the simple yet meaningful word L.O.V.E...

so ever since the talking session at beer belly...

i try my best to be patience and try to adjust my claimness and stuff... it work out pretty fine and we didn't quarrel for the one whole week... but soon we started a quarrel on monday...

well my issue is about trust... and i must say because i care and i mind... so i got pissed... well should you keep or hide something from me? thats my point... if its personal juz say it in a way like i dun want to share as its personal... or not comfortable in sharing... why must is be nothing much nothing important or just avoid? dun you think its suspicious? even thought its really nothing? if its nothing the more why can't you say?

what pisses me more the after knowing the fact that what is hidden is not something important... honestly i begin to lost trust from her... be it what she do i always trusted her alot.. be it how fuck up or how unesay i feel... but not this time and ever since she when drinkin with random guys and try to play MIAing...

at times i felt very up sad over the things she do...

coz she never consider my feelings...

the things she say... the way she behave... the way she being unreasonable...

i always related back to her what if i do back to her... how will she feel...

the answer is she will react back the same as me...

yes certain things i should be more patience and shouldn't get angry with her... since i'm still consider wooing her... but at time its hard especially when we are so comfortable with each other and the things we do we go through...

the worst thing is i cannot do back all the stuff to her and even if i can do i can't bear to let her go through all this fuck up feelings...

well to guys...

if lets say your gf or the girl you like... always got targeted by other guys going to them trying to get their number and knowing her frens will act fuck up-ly by giving away her number without her agreement... how will you feel...

and when ever she goes to club she dress in a way that no guys will nv notices or will nv target or like?

worst if random guys offer her drinks and she just accept it... and go for countless shots... how will you feel...

should you feel up sad? should you still feel piss? should you be angry? should you be scare? will you be worried? will you flare up? will you give up? how are you going to react to this fuck up-ness... honestly this is what it is in my mind.... when she told me all this...

is she trying to be honest with me? is she trying to see how i react... does she even bother how i feel? if she do why did she still do all this? is she tryin to prove something to me... i know its stupid... by yes i did consider all this to make me feel better and make her look nicer...

well i begin to loss track of how should i react... i keep telling myself i should stay claim be patience and believe in her... but when you are in my shoes... can you do so.. i tried... it worked on the surface.. but deep in me i'm bleeding... only my best buddies knows.. but somehow i disappoint them too much regardin this... and the only thing they could do is to make me feel better... keep me off this thing and talk to me and talk things into my head...

i felt now... she changed... not the old her i know... i no longer hold a place in her... not even a little small bit... i felt she want me for the pei ban... knowing i'll not leave... ever since long ago... i know i'm don't play a very important part of her life... i'm just another guy... maybe slightly better then the rest...

knowing this... i still stay by her side... trying my very best to be what she wanted... or in a way change back to who i really am or used to be... the reasons are simple.. i love her and still do... and deep inside me... i do hope she still sees me and willing to accept me...

i began to change my living habits to make up for the things i no longer do for her...

-try to give her morning calls by sleepin earlier... even if i dun i'll stay up till i woke her up before i go to sleep.. and i'll never let her know i stay up just for her... i dun need her to know...

-try to wake up earlier and finish my stuff.. so i could see her before i go to work and accompany her be it where she will be at...

-find ways for me to tiao zhen my heart to be more claim and patience... so i could be a better me to be nicer to her...

-try to stay up and wait for her so i could talk to her and keep her accompany if she is out late or with her frens...

-try to minger more with her frens whenever i got the chance...

but somehow... i began to feel i lost the support from even her frens...

maybe the problem lies in me...

maybe i'm the one being fuck up...

be it what is it... i trying my best to live up to what she want...

never had i rest ever since i last promised her i will not be slack on her or things regarding her or the way i treat her...

at times i felt i really dun want to talk to her.. because... in a way.. i can no longer defend myself be it i'm right or wrong... sometimes is because the things she told me make me up sad or piss and on my side i still got to ren and not blow up... also its because she no longer interested in my stuff my surrounding and also... my life...

all she care is how i need to fit into her life but not how we can fit into each other's life...

at times i wondering what happen if i disappear from her life... will it affect her? yes? no?

if no then maybe sometime when i reaches my limit... i should go... if yes... how? many times i know this answer well.. but i dun have the courage to do so... cause i keep lying to myself saying you will hurt her so much if you do so...

i'm very lost now... the only thing that is clear in me is i really really love her and i want her badly...

-be it she treats me like nothing... or someone not important...

-be it i dun hold any role or position in her heart..

-be it she nv consider me as her guy...

-be it how it would turn out...

i just want to love her... thats all...

maybe what i think is not right.... but she never express to me to be obvious to me... at time when a person wants to be love... they want it simple and direct... best they are told after seeing how the other expressed...

she doesn't understand how my heart works or how my heart beats for her... she doesn't understand how i think... she no long being on the same frequency with me... althought the fact is... i'm actually as simple as abc... is it she doesn't bother anymore like how i feel why i reacted this way and why will i be pissed...

well be it what ways... all i have in mind now is to be what she told me...(not like i'm not being myself and be a puppet of what she wanted) but try to turn back to how i was... i dunno if its right or wrong... but i know thats the best i can do to show my love and love her more... i dunno how the out come will turn out... i dunno will i get what i desired... but i'll still love her the way she want it and don't pin hopes on anything...

i know its dumb... really really dumb... i do have the logic mind... i do have the logic thinking but i no longer have the logic emotions the logic body language and most importantly the logically mind-set...

just want to say out over here... since i know no one will read...(well i nv try to promote it anw)

ok got to wake her up in 1 hour time and shall blog again...

sorry for making it a emo one this time but the main reason i blog is to stream out my feelings...

chao...