Tell me... PLease...

Feelin all lost now...
didn't know what to do....
this is the 1st time in my life i had felt so lost for so long....
where went wrong?
being more giving, trying to avoid arguements, makes her feel i'm less concernin and in someways it irritate her... again fan gan...

i felt so up tight.... lyk whenever i give my best... its not being appreciated... but nv its ok... but but when i slack off just abit... the trouble comes and all my effort previously wasn't account for...

worst still...
when i ask her to tell me where went wrong... she couldn't tell me at all...
tell her to let me know once the problem occur... she will only just say she is not like this she won't do so...
well isn't it there is no compromise between us anymore?
only i do i do and i do... and she no need to do even a single bit and when problem occur... even if its her problem i gotta find out for her and best there is no clues for me to start the search...

Honestly...
i felt sooo small... no respect given...
everything i say is wrong....
and no one is there to care for my feelings...

she always blame it on me when i tell her sth... like the wrongs of her...
saying if i didn't behave this way.. she won't...
but the funniest thing is she cannot tell what i do to make her become this way...
at time i felt is her fuck up pride that force her to lie to me to make her look better and make me look worst...
Why? let me explain...

Nowadays when she talk to me...
she either talk in a very rude manner or she get very impatience....
out of no where like to voice up at me... and she dun feel she is wrong...
when she is in a wrong or when she hurt ppl with her words... she won't apologise...
she say things that nv consider how will i feel and when i'm piss she would say i did i get work up over a small sentence...
well try this... if you trying to comfort someone... be it you understand them or you trying to understand.. giving all you effort and might... in the end that someone just tell you off by "AH YOU WILL NEVER UDERSTAND HOW I FEEL" now... how would you feel? tell me...

somehow i feel very sad...
becoz she always hold hard feeling toward mavis...
honestly there is nothing between us and we are just very good fren's...
moreover she is attach and i'm the one who encourage her to go with her guy...
up till now... i cannot mention mavis in front of her... whenever i do so... trouble will come...(unreasonable ones)
i like the way she feel "jealous" or what so ever... feeling... but dun venge it out all on me unreasonablely...
whenever she hang our with her guy frens or people i dun feel comfortable.. did i give her shit hell of attitude? nowaday did i even show her i'm unhappy?
worst there are many things she won't tell me...
even if its nothing much sth small... she won't say...
she have been very secretive and honestly i dun really like it...

teach me how to handle my heart...
i got to please her...
and yet i got to keep all my sorrows...
i got to be nice to her...(very)
yet i won't get nice treatment...
i got to apologise to her...
yet i won't receive any...

worst of all...
she started to threaten me with things like i got somebody else in mind already right?
(especially) whenever we talk abt mavis...
she will say thing s like if i'm tired i can go anytime...
tell me all this things she went throught doesn't affect her no effect and it doesn't matter...(best when i did nothing)
her words are very spikey and very suan... very hurting and sarcastic...

honestly i felt its not i'm the one who change...
ever since i change back... i see things more clearer.. just that i gave in...
she changed.. alot...
she no longer the one i once know...
no longer wen rou...
no longer the understanding one...
no longer the sweet little pie i know...
no longer the problem solveing(more like creating problems)
no longer careing...
no longer concerning....
no longer bothers...
when i told her so....
she tells me this is who she is... does that mean she have been hiding herself true colours all this time? or she just cannot accept the change in her or won't dare to admit?
Pride again? what a fuck up pride she have...
how much does a once's pride worth?

well i dunno how long i can handle this...
i keep convincing myself its my fault my problem...
but as times goes i no longer can lie to myself...
i dun even know lie to myself is the right choice or not...
she doesn't understand me or even try to understand me...
indeed i'm tired...
but wont' let go for now... since i still have some skills up in my sleeves i'll just try to use up all and see how it goes...

i love her..
but she doesn't love me anymore....
thats the key to why this is happening...
i really miss her... not the current her...
but the old her i used to know...
i'll try my best to hong her tonight... and see how it goes...
maybe i sld let the tears in my heart dry up 1st before i try anything...
i need to settle my heart before i give another try...

alright signing off soon feeling better...
and maybe soon i will give my answer....

Our story...

Well...

today is quite a nice and sweet day...
after work at highlander ytd...
went home and camp infront of my psp...
reason?
Not that i dun want to sleep...
but i scare i can't wake up to drop her her daily morning call...
stayed at home whole day...
nothing much to do also...
went to Tampines 1 and wait for her to finish work...
then head down to CQ to take my pay... and then walk to PS to catch a show...
Angles and Demon...

Well she fell asleep half way throught the movie...
somehow i'm not sad or angry abt it... cause i understand that she is wore out but still pei me...
i felt kinda sweet actually because at 1st she lie on my shoulder that she sleep on my lap...
its was a good day too...
because today her repelling magnet seem to be not workin...(maybe i didn't do it at random)
can hold her... hug her just not the kisses...(not even a goodbye kiss)
btw... it was an nice show...

well somehow... today's "progress" reminds me of the sweet moment we had last time...
it was kinda back to basic... where all the stuff i just mention is like a bonus to me...
i kinda like the feeling...
and it made me feel more easy in taking things slow... start afresh and hope i could walk our way right this time round...

its kinda great that today we communicate more...
althought she the one streaming out her stress and stuff...
but i felt atleast i could comment more talk more and not just orh.. hmmm.. ah... why?
slowly i'm changing fast... and i hope the next thing i can do is to able to talk random and chat abt more stuff just like how i can...
i want to be the perfect stan that she wanted and even before she is ready to accept me...
althought she still dunno and not sure abt me and stuff... but i just want to be at my top...
asap so i can make her feel i'm worthy and is too good to let go... and in return is only all the happiness i can give and promise her...

well today... i over heard her fren say i'm a hao hao xian shen...
was kinda flattering... but instead i hope she is the one feeling proud...
i always wish she could feel proud abt me... having me or being with me...
not that i can be a show off to others but atleast letting her feel good having me...

actually i was pretty sad this afternoon.. cause...
i have ask her out since ytd but she didn't give me a answer... more like nv answer to it or avoiding it...
was kinda upsad and dun feel like seeing her...
but suddenly in the evenin i got her msg ask me i woke up already?( cause i went to sleep)
then follow by : "oh i wondering where we going later"
i felt super happy after seeing the msg...
not that " yes she gave me a answer" or "yes can go out on a date with her"
but i felt more lyk she knows i'm upsad and didn't reply or bother to argue when she reply me on msn this afternoon before i go sleep.. cause that is when i ask her out again..
then she decide to do something abt it... to make me feel good and happy... more like hong(3 yin) me ba...
i dunno is it like that or not but i take it as it is...
i like it and i hope there is more to come...
not saying i'll give attitude or get angry often la..
but once i do.. i hope she will hong me again...
why i want it is becoz 1stly i like being hong... 2. it shows she care how i feel and 3. i already try to be cheerful positive and not feeling down anymore.. not even piss or jealous or angry... so if possible once i do feel down... cheering and honging from her will be my best remedy... =D

ok today is a good day... motivating day... and hope more to come...
i think by now you all sld know my mind set is constancely changing...
in a way my mum see it as indecisive or not mature enough...
but i think its more lyk i'm always thinking and try out the best way out...
and trying to to figure the best path i can take up...

ok smileing and signing out happily...

Bored...

Hmmm...

i guess recently..
i managed to tune back my timing...
fell asleep pretty early and wake up pretty early...
at times missed out the usual night chat with her....
but in exchange i manage to drop her morning calls on time...

Was pretty bored at home...
cause quit workin.. just wanna slack off my remaining 1 mth before i go ns...
pretty reluctant to leave the hse too...
scare to spent and lazy to even step out of my hse...
haven have such a feeling anymore...
suddenly felt home is warm and just want to hide under shelter...
maybe because my life have been very fast pace to the point i i'm pretty much force to stay out more then at home...
bo bian... last time got work... school... frens... many group... and her as well...
but now... grad le.. frens all busy le... her... focus on work and attention also placed somewhere else and won't want to spent as much time with me liao...
so i'm pretty free and sad... haha

nothing much to blog also...
trying not to feel sad or sian or piss or what so ever when comes to her things....
not that i want to.. but really there is nothing happening between us to the point that makes me happy...
not that being with her or staying with her or waiting for her is unhappy...
but without activities that is memoriable like dates or hanging out...
and just chat where the tendancy to piss her off or make her angry for some reason is high too...
honestly... i can't catch her anymore... not that i lost the skills but she won't let me access her...
moreover i felt her is of a different level now... or different world..
that i find it hard to catch up...

honestly.. at time is not that i dun want to hang out with her frens.. but our time is so limited...
i felt if i still give in more.. very soon... we won't have our own time....
its human nature... once she thinks i'm ok hanging out with her frens... she will make it happen more so she can spent time with both me and her frens....
not that i want to be selfish.... but in a long run... she will really see me more as frens then partner.... i hate to think abt it and i hate to show the selfish side of me..
but of coz... i no longer have the power to tell her we dun even have our own time.. can you just meet them some othertime since you will be meeting them more then me....
i no long have such powers to tell her....
felt like superman lost his superhuman strength... felt like spiderman no long have the reflexes...
felt like a bird who lost its wings to fly up to the sky...

maybe its because i'm impatience...
maybe because i'm just afraid...
i keep having this feeling we are getting more distanced...
and because NS is drawing near...
please.. my darling... surpress my fear for me..
close my wounds.. let me heal your's too...
put some smile on me...
let me think more of happy stuff and how to make us happy than all the stupid nonsence...
let me once again brighten our world... dun repel me anymore...
close up the gap...
this is the only wish i'll hope for if i was given a chance to make a wish....

i love you and always do...
signing out....
stan...

Topics..

Honestly...
i don't know what to do about this anymore....
or more like there is nothing i can do....
i began to feel that our topic is running low again and i dun know why...

but somehow i realised why...
i began to wonder why.. when i got so much in my mind...
yet i dunno how to express...
but then i realised i once again trying to be very careful with the things i said to her..
cause to her now anything that comes out from my mouth has spikes equipped...

in the past i understand i was one so irritated that at time words from my mouth can be not very nice or spiking or rude... but now when i'm so peace loving... back to normal... she still find it that way... yes most of the time i try to talk to her in a sweeter manner... but at times when its not in a sweet manner.. it turns out to seem lyk its spiking...

then i think now certain things of her is lyk a taboo...
cannot be mention.. even to the slightest of sweetest way...
how to communicate?
i just want to chat... can be more natural with my words..
dun have to fear i will piss her off in a even i dunno why way...
and due to want some peace within us.. i choose to shut up...

I really dun understand why when everyone is so ok with my words and the way i speak...
but only her who always find it hurting...
is it i can't spot certain small details of her's?
or is it my words naturally is spikey just that her defense to my words are weaker?
or i still not sweet enough?
or i couldn't be as sweet as last time towards her?(still not good enough)

i really want her to take my words easy...
dun take it personal...
if my my words not nice confront me... ask the meaning... dun ASSUME!!!
so as if my words are nuetural atleast i won't be accuse of being sacarstic or spikey...
i promise not to be sacarstic to her anymore.. not even bring spikes into my words towards her be it how piss i'm with her...

*Baby... can't you see i have taken easy on everything? trying to be nicer and better and sweeter.. yes i forgotten my standards but i have never slack on this since i told you i will try... be it where my standards is... i'll just keep going to the point i hope it surpass where i used to stand... all just for you...*

After this post...
everything will still be normal...
and i'll still try to my best...
but just hope you could be more easy on me....
i want to talk and chat with you naturally...
i dun want to be caution most of the time...
give me the chance...
give me the time...
dun be impatients with me...
if it sounded wrong... tell me and confront me...
dun assume and dun take it personal..
you know i'm neutural...
i dun take side... even when comes to you...
but i'll protect you of cause... be it ya right or wrong...

signing off here...
Loves and ...
nothing =D

Well

somehow i'll start to relax and enjoy my time before going in ns...
yup...
still the only worries i have is things between me and her...
yup...
i'm still trying my best to give all i got and be better...
but...
at times...
i felt maybe i sld maintain or just take it easy..
as she is the one who is not giving the chance to make things possible...
what i mean?
well recently her focus is all abt work... then friends then family...
i dun even know where i stand... in her heart...
its not lyk last time where she give me all her time and spent so much time tgt and let me build up the feeling the affection for each other...
well things have change.. now her time is so limited... i have so much...
soon it will be the other way round...
hmmm althought i dun really like the current us or still not used to or can't accept...
but i really hope the day will come where she will once again give me more of her time to spent it tgt and build everything up tgt again...
now the only thing i can do is to let her feel i'm worth staying with and if this works...
i know how to make feel i deserve to be cherish too...
cox i always cherish her and i'll try to let her feel so much that she is really the only one and the happiest princess in this world...
all i need is time.. not only mine...
but her's... i can't expect it to be as much as last time...
but atleast more... it will be tough... but atleast better then no hope....
if she still come to the point where i dun deserve any of her time and not even wanting to spent it with me... then sooner or later... i'll really vanish from her life...
not i pick the choice but she abolish me from her life...
i'm trying so hard to squeeze and fit into her life to somehow creat some existance in her heart...
yea... it do get a little bit better... just a little... but its still not enough...
time is not a factor for me... coz i felt she is worth waiting...
but chances and her time are the really important factors...

still just wanna tell her how much i love her...
willing to go throught anything just to be with her... not 1 mth not 1 years not 10 years but for the rest of our life... dun repel from me anymore... as i have learn to accept many things...
start to attract like how it used to be... the promise i can make now is more powerful...
i can say... with the current me... she can get most of what she want out of me.. unless..
there are changes and she is expecting more...
like i said the normal me is someone who will constantly give more and more naturally.. not even noticing... so... really... take my hands and believe in me... walk with me... i promise the basic you can get out of me is love happiness dote... and smile on the face every single day...

signing off here... MUACKS to you if you happens to read this entry=D

Nai Xin is the key???

Well..
Decided to purple(lavanderish) my font...
To lift my mood up abit...
Was getting all emotional up again on the bus back home after meeting her...

hmmm...
haven been blogging for long...
lets just update abit... haha

well somhow i felt happy for her...
because she became more mature...
in sense of life and thinking...
but its not too good because she is all into work now...
neglecting not only me... but family and friends too...
so think about it... if they can get neglected... whats more to say abt me? >.<

well i guess.. alot of things i better not say...
cause its scary...
most of the things i forsee 98% just happen to come true... especially... when i say it...
i use to be a brat... who can't forsee stuff... only happy go lucky and wait for mirical to happen... if not... work hard for the stuff i wanted...
but ever since i started workin... since 17...
and having more time and gathering with my guys...
i begain to think more... learn more observe more...
and with my sensitivity... i kinda unleash my hidden talent which is... forseeing things...
and as i join SSC.. they really drill me in my forseeing skills... to the point.. it gets pretty scary...

well...
recently.. things between us got better...
after taking a step back...
and getting back to who i really am...
i am able to see the smallest care, details of her towards me...
and somehow... i'm back to the easily content guy...
but at times... easily contented... is not equal to not standards set or don't have desires or idea of what i want...

To me... in a relationship...
the most important thing is communication, care and consent...
affection... responsiability... hugs and kisses...

Why?

Cause communication brings the 2 person closer... let the 2 person know each other better...
and also unknowingly let the 2 spent more time tgt even if physically not there/ not free...

Care and consent?
its obvious right? its a sign of showing and proving your feelings...

Affection...
to me since young... i realised.. physically contact unknowingly brings 2person's feeling and attraction stronger... be it guy or gal... lyk good buddies? and gfs? think abt it...
well i once read it from a pick up artise.. he too confirm that from a pro's point of view...
and some reason... its also proven true...

Responsibility...
well if you want something... naturally you must take care of it isn't it?
and even if you are the one being taken care of... should you try to report or let your partner know your where abt and safety? and also with this responsibilities.. isn't it another way to make 2 think more and care more for each other?

Hugs and Kisses...
to me...
hugs and kisses can tell more then action...
even if the kiss is plain... one sure can feel it...
i always kiss with passion... feeling and wholeheartedly...
cause be it how the person think like her... (she dun feel that hugs and kisses mean anything...)
one can still pass the message to them.. telling them how much you love them and how you feel...

Honestly...
how she is kind of physically sensitivy to me...
its lyk i can't even touch her...
even a slight pat on the back she will tell me off...
holding her when she is hurt on the leg... her body will move in a way that repel my hands...
sitting in the car... can no longer hold her to prevent her from falling...(cause she dun sit still and especially when turning)
i no longer can hold her by her waist while walking... she claim she dun lyk... but to me... no it felt more lyk get your hands off me...
now when comes to hugging... she won't hold me anymore... dun even talk abt tight...
kisses... is getting lesser... she tends to reject too... long and deep kisses? dun even think abt it anymore...

Yes... althought we are not in a relationship...
but we start off being so close.. to the point... its lyk a couple...
just without any status...

as time goes...
all this are getting lesser...
and it end up lyk now...
i understand her feelings are fading... but there are still some left...
if not she won't be angry with me for certain things...
won't report to me her not and then...

well what make it worst is...
i'm not longer in her plans...
lyk whatever she say in the past... she will say it lyk... well i can't give all my off days to you.. but... i can meet you awhile before meeting them.. and if you have the heart... you will join them with me...
now... she just say it lyk well i can't give all my time to you... i still have my sisters and frens... so ya see how 1st....
when ever i say i book her or plan a date with her this will come...
well i realised i'm no longer in her topic and life...
it like i'm fading slowly...
i began to worry once i go army... and when i have lesser time with her... at times when i book out... she will even forget or dun bother.... if you take things as how it progress now....

well i really hope...
things are improving as of what i see in certain ways...
but... her actions doesn't tele...
maybe its because of the work that is affecting...
not the feelings fading...
i'm trying my best to win her heart... and i'm being very paitents here....
the only fear i have is even with patients... things won't work out...

i really hope lyk what most ppl tell me.. once you go army.. maybe she will miss you more and begin to think your absents is making her uncomfortable... i really hope so... althought i have no prove or signs that she will...

well i really hope the army things is a good way for us to start fresh... and make things work out... instead of distanting us more....
well feeling better after streaming out...

well this is still the best place for me to refresh and start fresh....

fresh start...

Well...

somehow i still couldn't sleep..
finish chatting with her abt 4 plus...
try to sleep but couldn't...
so i head out to jog...
reason: to shag myself out and i'm feeling all emo again..
and somehow.. dunno why.. there is this voice telling me to go for a jog...
dun understand how the voice come about... it came deep inside me...
the funnies part is it do reply to my question...
i asked: why should i... i'm feeling lazy and not in the mood...
and the voice juz tell me... you will understand once ya done...

(ok not really are voices that tell me directly lyk what i mention but is the feeling... just lyk some times when you question yourself.. and then after thinkin you gain some enlightment kind of keeling kind of words...)

So...
i went out for a jog...
i tell you.. this jog is really a meaningful one...
it 1st made me stop thinking abt anything... just blank in my head...
then it made my vision clearer...
i saw aunties jogging running...
and thats not the point.. haha
the point is they show me a kind of expression where its shows carefree... joy...
and with the laughers... it made me wonder whether do they have any problems...

Slowly as i jog...
i begin to have flash backs of my secondary school days...
as i felt why last time i so power can run 2.4 abt 10mins...
and now i run 13mins and fail which lead me to 4 more weeks of training in tekong...
so i thought maybe is the lag of trainning and becoz i smoke...
so after getting my answer...
i begin to rmb how happy and carefree i was and how much joy i get from jogging...
then i begin to think i had problems as well during my secondary school day... yet why i'm able to face it optimisticaly and give ppl the impression i'm a happy go lucky guy... maybe i was...
this time i dun get my answer straight...

Then before i get my answer...
another question came and beats me...
why was i able to be so happy and face everything in a positively...
why was i able to be crappy and lame and crack jokes... randomly...
how did i became a joker in my clicks...
how did i became a kai xin gou for my pass 2 years...
why didn't i show my saddness and emotions and stuff to ppl when i have them in the past and how did i do it...
slowly this questions one by one came to me...

So i decided to stop thinking and just jog my lungs out...
and so i go... i saw the stars the lights turning on one by one from the houses...
the alarm from individul house hold that stricks on time one after another...
its funny coz its lyk a standard things happens one after another... and i began to smile and laugh...
now... i got my answer... instanly...
i was able to smile and laugh to the smalllest thing that happen around me...
i'm easily contented... to make myself happy...
i can be happy just by looking a flowers blooming...
and this just reminds me all i desire is xin fu... and just by looking at it make me smile...

so after 30mins of jog...
i decided to stop and juz walk abit to cool down...
as i walk...
i look up to the sky..
suddenly i rmb hearing this from some where...
(look at the sky randomly... when you see the 1st star and its the brightest... pray to it... make a wish... and your wish will come true...)
so... i did...( i know it look dumb... but no one is looking=D haha)

so as i finish my light work out like sit up push up and stuff.. i head to the hut at the middle to smoke and chill...
i begin to think...
how long have i been lyk this all emo and how long haven i been able to crack a joke to my frens other then my dudes...
how long have i been putting up this sad and expressionless face...
and how long have i now been able to smile to her face...( as in a real xin fu and happiness smile)

soon as i about to finish my cig... looks at the light glow brighter... the smoke from the cig flows smooth lyk a rail way track...
i begin to gain some enlightenment...
it somehow slove all my problemsssss...
i used to be a cool headed person where i face my problem slowly steadily...
when i face them... i take it as a challange and face it with a smile...(positive)
i let my mood be the affecting factor for the ppl ard me...(still do) and i choose the best way even if i'm down... which i let it always be a positive way so all of them will smile...

Then... the important part came in...
i realised... i haven been faceing things between me and her positively for very long...(maybe is faith)...
i haven been confident for very long...
i realised i have affect her mood by letting my mood and emotions take over...
and i haven express my love and wen rou properly to her...( from my heart)
i do things for her now is for the seek of doing...
i haven been seeing her good and affection from her...(maybe its too little to notices)
and i felt i'm the worst...
how can i made so much complain when i myself is doing the same as her...
yes my effort are there and my changes is there physically... but the feel is not...
and also there are many expression which can't be discribe by words came out... its more of a self understanding thing...

somehow.. i felt like crying...
but instead i smile...
i felt lighten...
and i felt a unknow force is pushing me forward....(a positive one)

then i look at the same star again...
i tell myself...
things between us can't be reset like a game... to the save or start point..
but i know... i can and i have the ability to change things and make the route back to the one i wanted...
all it takes is to smile and face it positively...
also i realised how things between me and her work is not trust... from the start...
is my optimistic attitude and no fear attitude made it possible... slowly then trust came in...
its my smile... and jokes... my optimistic that made her enjoy being with me...
its my randomness and attitude made me a fun person...
its my heart and my person made me sweet wen rou and lovely...
so from the moment i walk back home... i found my directions...
i no longer lost... i know how to make things better...
all it takes is for me to smile more and be positive to be able to change back...

now... i'm confident to make promises again...
as i make my wish to the stars...
i made my promise to her...( in my heart)

i shall let my magic happen onces more... and make thins right before my time ran out...

Anw.. making wishes to the stars like how i said just now.. do works... maybe abit... but it somehow surprise me abit... wheather is works or not... yet to be told but i shall tell you my answer soon...

well why i say so is becoz when i visited her blog just now...
i saw this small part delicated to me...
she admit to me she haven catch totally of what i told her last night coz she is tired and sleepy...
but somehow she felt... she is in the wrong too and sorry for letting me go throught all this and down...
did the star wishing came true?
i think it does... but like i said abit...(for now)
ok put it this way it does answer to my call...=D

ok... i will face it with a smile and answer to her request and put things the nicest i could when we talk... i'll bring out the real me she once know... and not hiding it again...
i shall fear nothing and trust more... and stop thinkin too much...
and lastly... i shall start on my next step in making progression...
and its to make her fall for me again and make her the happiest princess in the world...
oh and one more thing.. i shall start by making this blog a more positive blog and less emo one=D
though its suppose to be a emo one=(

I love you... and i still do...

Believe in me... so i can prove to you i trust you...

Hold my hands... so i can never let it go...

Stay close to me... so i can hug you forever...

Sit next to me... so i can kiss you on your forehead...

Talk to me... so i can make you smile...

Stream out your problems to me... so i can comfort you...

Beat me... so i won't dare to make you angry...

Bite me... so i won't dare to piss you off again...

Pinch me... so i won't dare to make fun of you...

Be abit more lazy... so i can piggy back you more often...

Sleep beside me... so i can watch you to sleep...

Hold on to me... so i can protect you...

Hear my heart... so i can tell you my little secret...

Touch my heart... so you will know i'm trueful...

Grab my heart... so i will never leave you...(not too hard or i'll die) haha

Finally... you are my treasure and i'll always cherish you... =D

a little poem that i wrote for her...(althought it not very good but they are from the bottom of my heart... rmb too grab it =D...

chaos~~~ =D